Here's a another piece I wrote. At the top you can see 3 possible choices of titles. Not sure which way to go. Not really sure if I want to publish this one. Just feel like it needs more. Maybe adding more personal things to it. Not sure.
I really enjoyed reading your story Jennifer!!! The way you set up the story was great - the way you used America's pastime and went deeper and more personal by speaking about it as a family legacy - that contrast really gave a great insight into how meaningful baseball is to you/your family!!
As I read, I was wondering how you liked playing and what emotions baseball brings up?
I think it would be great to hear more about the emotions and personal stories that you have related to baseball!!
I really like your topic, and how baseball ties together generations of family members because sports can really be a source of family unity. I am not much of a baseball fan but I had an opportunity to go to Wrigley Field and I was excited to go just for the experience! I am wondering about your experiences as you visited the different fields, and the only suggestion I would have is to build on what you wrote and add more personal experiences and emotions. How did you feel as your son became a baseball player with all this history behind him?
I enjoyed reading your writing. My family and I are also huge fans of baseball and I have a lot of fond memories going to games. I would like to hear more about your personal experiences going to games with your dad and now your son. Who is your favorite team? I really liked how you ended your writing piece with talking about the four generations of heartache and connections. I wouldn't change it because it shows the power of family connections.
Your topic is really meaningful to you and your family! I saw that you have listed different options for titles. I would go for the first one "Baseball is in our blood," which echos the ending of your story! As I read, I wondered how you feel when you watch baseball with your dad as a kid and with your son as a mom. What would you do if you had a chance to get four generations together and watch/play baseball? I feel that even though this is a short story, it has a self-contained storyline that moves readers from the beginning to the end!
Jennifer, I enjoyed reading your baseball story. I like the first title "Baseball is in our blood" because you go on to show and tell how it is through the legacy of your father, grandfather and now your son.
One thing to work on is word choice and see if there are other words for "fan." You also used San Diego a couple of times close together but this is all minor stuff.
I would like to know why the game is important and fun for you? What are your thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc--maybe even include dialogue from each family member. You may have to recreate or make up the dialogue.
It is a great memory and look forward to seeing it in polished form!
Thanks everyone! I was even sure I wanted to move forward with this piece, but I love the ideas you all gave so I'm going to make some additions and changes. I'm even thinking I could use this as a great example during a mini-lesson about adding dialogue to a piece for my students! Thanks for the help with titles as well. I'm never really good at picking those on my own!
I really enjoyed reading your story Jennifer!!! The way you set up the story was great - the way you used America's pastime and went deeper and more personal by speaking about it as a family legacy - that contrast really gave a great insight into how meaningful baseball is to you/your family!!
ReplyDeleteAs I read, I was wondering how you liked playing and what emotions baseball brings up?
I think it would be great to hear more about the emotions and personal stories that you have related to baseball!!
I really like your topic, and how baseball ties together generations of family members because sports can really be a source of family unity. I am not much of a baseball fan but I had an opportunity to go to Wrigley Field and I was excited to go just for the experience! I am wondering about your experiences as you visited the different fields, and the only suggestion I would have is to build on what you wrote and add more personal experiences and emotions. How did you feel as your son became a baseball player with all this history behind him?
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your writing. My family and I are also huge fans of baseball and I have a lot of fond memories going to games. I would like to hear more about your personal experiences going to games with your dad and now your son. Who is your favorite team?
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you ended your writing piece with talking about the four generations of heartache and connections. I wouldn't change it because it shows the power of family connections.
Your topic is really meaningful to you and your family! I saw that you have listed different options for titles. I would go for the first one "Baseball is in our blood," which echos the ending of your story! As I read, I wondered how you feel when you watch baseball with your dad as a kid and with your son as a mom. What would you do if you had a chance to get four generations together and watch/play baseball? I feel that even though this is a short story, it has a self-contained storyline that moves readers from the beginning to the end!
ReplyDeleteJennifer,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your baseball story. I like the first title "Baseball is in our blood" because you go on to show and tell how it is through the legacy of your father, grandfather and now your son.
One thing to work on is word choice and see if there are other words for "fan." You also used San Diego a couple of times close together but this is all minor stuff.
I would like to know why the game is important and fun for you? What are your thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc--maybe even include dialogue from each family member. You may have to recreate or make up the dialogue.
It is a great memory and look forward to seeing it in polished form!
Thanks everyone! I was even sure I wanted to move forward with this piece, but I love the ideas you all gave so I'm going to make some additions and changes. I'm even thinking I could use this as a great example during a mini-lesson about adding dialogue to a piece for my students! Thanks for the help with titles as well. I'm never really good at picking those on my own!
ReplyDelete